Written by Bryce Kaye, PhD , Psychologist Offering Couples Counseling for Raleigh, Cary and Apex and Author of The Marriage First Aid Kit - The popular book on how to repair your marriage.
As seen on WRAL-TV in Raleigh:
Foreword & Instructions (For Your
Online Kit)
Diagnostics (Learn to recognize syndromes)
Explanations ( Access through Diagnostics)
Interventions
(Access through
Diagnostics)
Strategic Couples Counseling is Active and Direct
"Strategic couples counseling" is active and direct unlike the passive listening performed by some other couples counselors. I work with a logical plan on how to help you to achieve your goals. I believe that you deserve more out of couples therapy than just being heard or supported. My active style in couples counseling is to teach you different strategies to gradually change your emotions and emotionally driven behaviors over time. That way, you can grow to become the person or the couple that you want to be.
Many couples counselors employ a communication model for couples work that assumes that most couples’ problems derive from dysfunctional communication. The assumption seems to be that teaching better communication should resolve their difficulties. Unfortunately, most well-designed studies show that only about one-third of the couples going through couples counseling are reporting significant post-treatment benefits. Those are not impressive statistics and they do not give much support for a simplistic communication therapy model. A couple’s communication usually breaks down because of more complex emotional dynamics. You can probably remember when you and your partner could communicate just fine at the beginning of your relationship. What happens is that evolving and accumulating emotional dynamics can gradually break down good communication in a long term relationship. Those dynamics may involve historical shame issues, personality deficits, knowledge deficits, and boundary interactions. These issues can be quite complex but are still understandable
At Cary Counseling Center, teaching effective communication is only one small piece of a more comprehensive strategy. Even more emphasis is placed upon teaching a couple principles of effective emotional regulation. This may involve learning how to influence one’s own emotional state before projecting rage or behaving in a way that is toxic to the relationship. Old shame issues are clarified so that they do not unconsciously disrupt the relationship. Principles of "tact" are taught so that both partners experience less threat to their psychological boundaries while negotiating their needs. Couples are also taught about how "ego states" are often critical to getting their needs met and how to anticipate and schedule getting together so that both parties are receptive to each other. Sometimes, other forms of therapy will be a necessary first step in couple’s work. For example, sometimes group therapy or individual therapy is necessary to change a person’s internal emotional responses before the couple’s external interactions can constructively become the main focus.
While teaching is often employed in good couples counseling, an emphasis is also placed on homework between sessions. The counselor often assigns homework in the form of communication or behavioral exercises. For example, a couple may be assigned homework to re-enact a recent argument but to do it in a newly agreed upon way. An individual may also be given homework to practice self-talk or guided imagery to deal with irrational beliefs or old feelings of shame that are intruding into the relationship. There are many other forms of homework that are too numerous to list here. The main point is that Cary Counseling therapists place an emphasis on practice and implementation in addition to insight. We do much more than just teach good communication.
So that you can better understand our approach, I have placed an incredible amount of useful information on this website. If you seek couples counseling then read my first four book chapters as well as the different syndromes discussed in The Marriage First Aid Kit. I believe it's good to help yourselves with better understanding even if you don't come for couples counseling.
Internet Relationship Coaching is available with Dr. Kaye online. You and your partner can meet (via Skype) with Dr. Kaye in the convenience of your home. Call Dr. Kaye to see how easy this is to set up. Click here for a coaching registration and contract form.
Dr. Kaye, marriage expert offering couples counseling for the Raleigh Cary area, discusses some important truths about relationships (Parts 1 and 2)
Dr. Kaye explains how a certain brain state makes us stupid when we fight:
Dr. Kaye describes a useful anger management tool:
Dr. Kaye discusses how to improve your anger management even after conflict:
(Adobe Reader is required. You can download it at http://get.adobe.com/reader/ )
Just a few words about how and why I wrote this book and why it's such a useful resource in couples counseling.
This chapter illustrates how our own fear of shame is the greatest obstacle we have to face if we want to improve an intimate relationship.
Chapter 2 - The Structure of Vital Relationships
Love based relationships do not have as much stability or resilience as do integrity based relationships. This chapter describes the strong foundation of a relationship that can stand the test of time.
Chapter 3 - Balance and Paradox
A vital relationship needs to be dynamic and not static. Opposing needs and emotional states must be kept balanced over time. This chapter unravels the paradox.
Chapter 4 - Nurturing Healthy Attachments
Relationships must be fed. It’s not enough just to feel. This chapter explains the fundamentals about how attachment needs can be effectively met.
Chapter 5 - Love's Hidden Assassin
A very common relationship killer operates far below our awareness. It leads to the numbing loss of attraction and affection.
Addendum: Message to a Daughter
The remaining Chapters are available only in the published book.
Chapter 6 - The Other Usual Suspects
This chapter outlines the other most common relationship killers often uncovered in couples counseling.
Chapter 7 - Freeing and Strengthening Your Hedonic Self
If you’re starting to numb out and lose attraction, this chapter suggests what you do to start resuscitating the part of yourself that’s going dormant.
Chapter 8 - Defending Autonomy
This chapter gives you tools to ward off covert inhibition that might otherwise strangle your affection.
Chapter 9 - Managing Conflict
This chapter describes different types of constructive and destructive conflict. Strategies are outlined for managing each.
Chapter 10 - Sharing Power and Authority
This chapter
provides some useful tools for negotiating chores,
structuring finances, and dealing with in-laws. 
Chapter 11 - Great Sex!
This chapter describes psychological elements of great sex as well as some guidelines on how to get there.
Chapter 12 - Mapping Your Strategy
This chapter discusses how to plan for change even without couples counseling.
Chapter 13 - Conclusion
The following are beginning chapters of Dr. Kaye's next book about spirituality and levels of consciousness: "When Love & Anger Got Married: Human Paradox & Spiritual Growth"
Intimacy
& Boundaries (Articles
by Dr. Kaye)
? Q & A - Review past Q & A advice, indexed according to topic area.
Internet Relationship Coaching is available with Dr. Kaye online. You and your partner can meet (via Skype) with Dr. Kaye in the convenience of your home. Call Dr. Kaye to see how easy this is to set up. Click here for a coaching registration and contract form.
Blog - Read about Bryce and Helen Kaye's running blog about their own love odyssey of 30 years.
If you are interested in couples counseling in the vicinity of Raleigh, Cary or Apex, then give us a call at 919 467 1180.
Click Here to read about our private couples counseling cruise at LoveOdyssey.net .
Click Here to read about our private marriage help cruise at LoveOdyssey.net .
Click Here to learn about the strategy behind our intensive
couples counseling
cruise.
Affiliated web pages:
American Psychological Association
EMDR International Association
For couples counseling in Raleigh, Cary, Apex NC
For marriage counseling in Raleigh, Cary, Apex NC
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