Marriage Counseling - Couples Counseling
In couples counseling the necessary intervention will depend upon the needs of
both partners. My philosophy of treatment is to try
the simplest feasible intervention first. When we're lucky, couples therapy can
be successful on the most superficial level through mere education. Our couples
counselors had some couples who needed just 2 to 4 sessions to correct their
problems. This might involve educating the couple regarding the care and feeding
of emotional needs within a relationship, assigning intimacy exercises, teaching
conflict strategies and managing mood states. However,
more time is usually needed in couples counseling, especially for learning
conflict management strategies. Three to 4 months is the norm for these types of
cases. What people don't like to admit is that
communication and affection frequently break down due to issues of personal
incapacity, the inability of either individual to engage in certain mood states
within their relationship. These emotional states, which we explore in couples
therapy, include:
a) The ability to become curious about and to draw pleasure in exploring the
mind of their partner. This constitutes the highest form of loving because the
mind of each partner constitutes their truest self. When both partners love and
relish each others minds, then both of them will feel "close."
b) The ability to express their desire within the relationship for various forms
of fun and pleasure. Unless this is happening, then one or more of the partners
will feel "trapped" in the role of constant responsibility. They may even begin
to state that "they don't know who they are" anymore.
c) The ability to energetically confront their partner to prevent their
partner's desires from completely ruling their life and eclipsing their own
desires. Unless this confrontation takes place, the feeling of being dominated
will usually result in losing sexual desire for their partner and even possibly
displacing it outside of the relationship in the form of an affair.
d) The ability to sooth themselves with a sense of higher emotional priority
when their partners feel angry or hurt. Unless a partner has this capacity for
momentarily switching to a higher emotional priority, they cannot approach
risking c) or possibly b) if it might lead to conflict. They won't be able to
risk intimate exposure.
The model that I use in couples counseling is that both parties in a
relationship must have the emotional resources for dynamic balancing between the
states of nurturance/connection and autonomy/self-reliance. Decades of work have
shown me that the best model for predicting the quality of relationship is the
dynamic balancing between these two emotional states.
When either individual lacks the emotional capacity to engage in any of the 4
emotional states above, then couples therapy needs to shift to a deeper level.
This usually involves individual or group therapy to establish the missing
capacity. Group therapy is useful in training in a "theory of mind" so that the
individual can become more empathetic and curious about what their partner is
experiencing. Emotional incapacity can come in many forms, all of which we can
explore thought couples counseling.
If a person's background involves emotional trauma, then their anxiety may need
to be reduced via EMDR therapy. Anxiety reduction may be necessary before they
can relax enough to become sufficiently curious about their partner.
When shame issues block a partner from expressing (or knowing) their
desire, then individual hedonic inhibition therapy will be necessary for the
individual to avoid feeling eclipsed in the relationship.
If a person is blocked from using healthy anger in the form of
assertiveness, then EMDR may be used to reduce their sense of helplessness. If a
person is too fearful of feeling guilty about their partner's anger or
disappointment in any potential conflict, then conflict inoculation training may
be necessary. If a person fears their own rage in
potential confrontations, then conflict inoculation training again is the likely
requirement. The necessary intervention can take many forms as well. For a more
in-depth description of any of these therapy interventions, please read about
them under their own section headings.
The following chapters from my book can give you some good ideas about how to
help your marriage, even if you don't come for couples counseling.
Just a few words about how and why I wrote this book.
This chapter illustrates how our own fear of shame is the greatest obstacle we have to face if we want to improve an intimate relationship.
Chapter 2 - The Structure of Vital Relationships
Love based relationships do not have as much stability or resilience as do integrity based relationships. This chapter describes the strong foundation of a relationship that can stand the test of time.
Chapter 3 - Balance and Paradox
A vital relationship needs to be dynamic and not static. Opposing needs and emotional states must be kept balanced over time. This chapter unravels the paradox.
Chapter 4 - Nurturing Healthy Attachments
Relationships must be fed. It’s not enough just to feel. This chapter explains the fundamentals about how attachment needs can be effectively met.
Chapter 5 - Love's HiddenAssassin
A very common relationship killer operates far below our awareness. It leads to the numbing loss of attraction and affection.
Chapter 6 - The Other Usual Suspects
This chapter outlines the other most common relationship killers.
Chapter 7 - Freeing and Strengthening Your Hedonic Self
If you’re starting to numb out and lose attraction, this chapter suggests what you do to start resuscitating the part of yourself that’s going dormant.
Chapter 8 - Defending Autonomy
This chapter gives you tools to ward off covert inhibition that might otherwise strangle your affection.
This chapter describes different types of constructive and destructive conflict. Strategies are outlined for managing each.
Chapter 10 - Sharing Power and Authority
This chapter provides some useful tools for negotiating chores, structuring finances, and dealing with in-laws.
This chapter describes psychological elements of great sex as well as some guidelines on how to get there.
Chapter 12 - Mapping Your Strategy
This chapter discusses how to plan for change.
The following are some of the therapy interventions that I use for specific problems:
Healing emotional wounds (trauma resolution (EMDR)
Raising self-esteem and reducing self-defeating shame (hedonic disinhibition)
Anger management & assertiveness training (conflict inoculation)
Back to "Introducing Dr. Bryce Kaye"