Strategic Marriage Counseling, Couples Counseling & Individual Psychotherapy for Raleigh, Cary, Apex, Morrisville, Holly Springs & Fuquay NC (919 467 1180)
Dr. Bryce Kaye, marriage expert & author of The Marriage First Aid Kit, a book about marriage counseling and relationship improvement
As seen on WRAL-TV in Raleigh:
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Strategic Marriage Counseling
"Strategic marriage counseling" is active and direct,
not the passive listening performed by some other marriage
counselors.
I work with couples to form a logical plan to help to their achieve goals. Some
marriage counselors offer listening and support but I
think you deserve more from couples therapy. My active
marriage counseling style teaches different strategies to gradually
change your emotionally driven behaviors over time. Through this type of couples
therapy you can become the person or couple you want to be.
Many marriage counselors employ a communication model
for marriage counseling that assumes most couples'
problems derive from dysfunctional communication. The assumption seems to be
that teaching better communication should resolve their difficulties.
Unfortunately, most well-designed studies show only about one-third of couples
going through marriage counseling report significant
post-treatment benefits. After two years, those number shrink by another 50
percent. Those are not impressive statistics and don't offer a strong argument
for the simplistic communication marriage counseling
model.
A couple's communication usually breaks down because of more complex emotional
dynamics. You can probably remember when you and your partner could communicate
just fine at the beginning of your relationship. What happens is that emotional
dynamics accumulate and can gradually break down good communication in a long term
relationship.
Those dynamics may involve historical shame issues, personality deficits,
knowledge deficits, and boundary interactions. These issues can be quite complex
but are still understandable through exploration in marriage
counseling.
At Cary Counseling Center, teaching effective communication is only one small
piece of a more comprehensive strategy. Our marriage counselors emphasize effective emotional regulation. This may involve learning
how to influence one's own emotional state before projecting rage or behaving in
a way that is toxic to the relationship. Old shame issues are clarified so that
they do not unconsciously disrupt the marriage. Principles of "tact" are
taught so that both partners experience less threat to their psychological
boundaries while negotiating their needs. Couples are also taught about how "ego
states" are often critical to getting their needs met and how to anticipate and
schedule getting together so that both parties are receptive to each other.
Sometimes, other forms of therapy will be a necessary first step in
marriage counseling work. Group therapy or individual
therapy is sometimes necessary to help change a person's internal emotional
responses before the couple's external interactions can constructively become
the main focus.
While teaching is often employed in good marriage
counseling, an emphasis is also placed on homework between sessions. The
marriage counselor often assigns homework in the form
of communication or behavioral exercises. A couple may be assigned homework to
re-enact a recent argument but to do it in a newly agreed upon way. An
individual may also be asked to practice self-talk or guided imagery to deal
with irrational beliefs or old feelings of shame that are intruding into the
relationship. There are many other forms of homework that are too numerous to
list here. The main point is that Cary Counseling marriage
counselors place an emphasis on practice and implementation in addition
to insight. Our marriage counselors do much more than
just teach good communication.
So that you can better understand our approach, I have placed an incredible
amount of useful information on this website. If you seek
marriage counseling, please read my first four book chapters as well as
the different syndromes discussed in The Marriage First Aid Kit. I believe it's
always good to have more information, even if you don't come for
marriage counseling.
Try an integrity check of your marriage.
Here Are SomeTypes of Counseling and Psychotherapy That Dr. Kaye Offers to Raleigh and Cary Residents:
Marriage counseling (Click Here)
Healing emotional wounds (trauma resolution) (Click Here)
Raising self-esteem and reducing self-defeating shame (Click Here)
Anger management & assertiveness training (Click Here)
Adjustment counseling & stress management (Click Here)
Read about our other unique marriage counseling service:
A 7 day marriage-saving nautical odyssey on a sailboat. In addition to being an accomplished marriage expert and marriage counselor, Captain Kaye is a U.S. Coast Guard licensed merchant marine officer with a masters level certification. These odysseys leave from Oriental, NC, only a 2 1/2 hour drive from Raleigh or Cary. Click Here To Read More.
Internet Video Relationship Coaching is available with Dr. Kaye online. You and your partner can meet (via Skype) with Dr. Kaye in the convenience of your home. Call Dr. Kaye to see how easy this is to set up. Click here for a coaching registration and contract form.
Check to see if you have any of these common syndromes often seen in couples seeking marriage counseling.
Role-Bound, Emotional Starvation Syndrome:
Both parties have evolved to interact with each other like business managers, going about the business of managing everyday life but without mutual play or sentimental affirmation of each other. Special time is not allocated for intimate talking. No significant effort is made to share intimate time away from parenting roles. Each party feels "taken for granted." Arguments flare up about small control issues or events that are interpreted as indicating a lack of appreciation of each other.
Pursuer - Evader Syndrome
: One party is more comfortable with the expression of intense feelings. The other party dreads intensity, especially heated conflict. The person who dreads intensity finds ways to emotionally withdraw by finding responsibilities to take up their time. The other person sees their partner withdrawing from the marriage and reacts by aggressively pursuing contact. They often intrude by expressing their resentments in a derogatory manner. The pursuer/intruder may also openly interpret the withdrawing party’s feelings and motives. The withdrawing party reacts by withdrawing further. The pursuer feels like they are being driven "crazy."
Initiator - Dependent Syndrome
: One party (the initiator) has somehow wound up with all the responsibility for planning the fun part of the marriage. The dependent party may be very responsible in their job role. However, when it comes to family or relationship activity, they look to the initiator for ideas. The dependent party is "easy" and ready to agree. The initiator feels as if they have another child for a partner. They miss the excitement of another perspective besides their own and they feel lonely although they may cover it over with anger.
Delinquent Helper Syndrome
: One party (the "task-master") has somehow wound up with all of the responsibility for overseeing the household chores. The other party often doesn’t "help". The task-master frequently reminds the delinquent helper what needs to be done. The delinquent helper often forgets if they’re not frequently reminded.
"Sneaky" Spending Behavior:
One party is trying to reduce spending to live within a realistic budget, the other party is often unmindful of what they spend. The less mindful person may not be forthcoming about what they buy.Conflicting Levels of Sexual Interest: One party wants it more, the other party wants it less. This does not refer to syndromes in which there is emotional conflict or emotional alienation affecting sexual interest. Rather, this is merely referring to different levels of sexual drive.
Non-violent Raging Behavior
: In a conflict situation, one part is more likely to yell and scream before retreating in a "huff." In some couples, the rager may disapprove of their own behavior but feel helpless to prevent it. They may try to avoid conflict situations altogether.
Here are chapters from Dr. Kaye's book to help you have a clearer understanding about what is really going on in relationships.
Just a few words about how and why I wrote this book and why it's such a useful companion to marriage counseling.
This chapter illustrates how our own fear of shame is the greatest obstacle we have to face if we want to improve an intimate relationship.
Chapter 2 - The Structure of Vital Relationships
Love based relationships do not have as much stability or resilience as do integrity based relationships. This chapter describes the strong foundation of a relationship that can stand the test of time without requiring marriage counseling.
Chapter 3 - Balance and Paradox
A vital relationship needs to be dynamic and not static. Opposing needs and emotional states must be kept balanced over time. This chapter unravels the paradox.
Chapter 4 - Nurturing Healthy Attachments
Relationships must be fed. It’s not enough just to feel. This chapter explains the fundamentals about how attachment needs can be effectively met. Marriage counselors often miss the mark by expecting that problem solving will do the job.
Chapter 5 - Love's Hidden Assassin
A very common relationship killer operates far below our awareness. It leads to the numbing loss of attraction and affection. This is why other types of individual therapy are sometimes needed beyond couples counseling.
Chapter 6 - The Other Usual Suspects
This chapter outlines the other most common relationship killers that are often surfaced by marriage counseling.
Chapter 7 - Freeing and Strengthening Your Hedonic Self
If you’re starting to numb out and lose attraction, this chapter suggests what you do to start resuscitating the part of yourself that’s going dormant.
Chapter 8 - Defending Autonomy
This chapter gives you tools to ward off covert inhibition that might otherwise strangle your affection.
This chapter describes different types of constructive and destructive conflict. Strategies are outlined for managing each. In strategic marriage counseling, one learns how healthy conflict will help a relationship.
Chapter 10 - Sharing Power and Authority
This chapter provides some useful tools for negotiating chores, structuring finances, and dealing with in-laws.
This chapter describes psychological elements of great sex as well as some guidelines on how to get there.
Chapter 12 - Mapping Your Strategy
This chapter discusses how to plan for change.
Addendum: Message to a Daughter
The following are beginning chapters of Dr. Kaye's next book about spirituality and levels of consciousness: "When Love & Anger Got Married: Human Paradox & Spiritual Growth"
Read about Dr. Kaye's work with EMDR
Submit your own question for Dr. Kaye to answer at his other website www.loveodyssey.net/blog2 .
to enter the main site for Cary Counseling Center where you can review the backgrounds of individual psychotherapists and marriage counselors.
If you want to explore the possibility of individual or marriage counseling with one of us, I usually recommend one session and then you can go back home to think about it. One session is usually enough time for me to give you feedback about a recommended strategy for individual or marriage counseling. To schedule a meeting time, call us at 919-467-1180. Our office is convenient to most parts of Raleigh, Cary, Apex and Morrisville. Access to the Love Odyssey marriage intervention services are through the airport in New Bern, NC instead of Raleigh.
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