Relationship Due Diligence List

Responsibility Domain I – Nurturance of Attachment

           Neglect of this responsibility leads to loss of affection and fosters resentment.  This responsibility is enacted by:

  • Initiation of ways to share FOCUSED attention on each other merely for the enjoyment of the experience
  • Curious pursuit of mind
  • Affectionate Touch
  • Creative expressions of the others’ importance

Responsibility Domain II – Exercise of Hedonic Identity

        Neglect of this responsibility leads to a sense of lost identity within the relationship

            (e.g. “I don’t know who I am any more”  “I don’t know what I want.”  “I feel like I’m      suffocating or drowning.”)  This responsibility is enacted by:

  • Exploratory behavior for potential enjoyment
  • Expressions of desire for both individual and shared experiences
  • Negotiation of shared hedonic agenda

Responsibility Domain III – Defense of Self (From Shame)

            Neglect of this responsibility leads to a) loss of attraction and sexual interest and

            b)  development of a defensive orientation involving a loss of creativity and curiosity within the relationship.  This responsibility is enacted by:

  • Overt refusals instead of lying
  • Refusal to remain in an exchange where boundaries are being violated
  • Confrontation of broken agreements
  • Tactful confrontation of boundary intrusions (thoughtless disrespectful behaviors)
  • Refusal to pay attention to the content of global or historical attacks

Responsibility Domain IV – Protection of Relationship (From Shame)

            Neglect of this responsibility leads to resentment and distrust.  This responsibility is enacted by:

  • Disengagement from conflict when either party is emotionally compromised
  • Disciplined restraint from intentional attack
  • Guarantee of time and place for processing concerns
  • Guarantee of accountability to objective criteria and openness to information
  • Guarantee of accountability to principles of equity and keeping agreements
  • Tactful pursuit of attachment in the future even when rejecting it in the present